The definition of self-esteem can be stated to be the reputation we have with ourselves. What it is not is a feeling or a new outfit or a compliment. New clothes, compliments and all temporary lifts make us feel good for the moment, but they have a fleeting quality to them that needs to be reinforced as often as the tides change in our life. These temporary fixes are not lasting or permanent or anything we can count on to be with us through life's ups and downs. Self-esteem instead is earned by us and for us and is not given by nature to some and not others. We are not automatically born with a high regard of ourselves but must acquire it in one way or another if we are to walk the path of life with a peace and dignity. Some of us get the gift at an early age and others of us work painfully long and hard to cultivate a good reputation with ourselves in order that we may truly like and are able to represent who we are.

When we find our own self-worth it does not mean we will never know unhappiness, pain, anxiety or depression, but it does mean that we will experience these states less often and we will come out of them sooner than we would if we were always beating ourselves up.

Assemblyman John Vasconcellos is the founder of California's Task Force on Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility. Their official definition of self-esteem is "Appreciating my own worth and importance and having the character to be accountable for myself and to act responsibly towards others."

Appreciating our worth and importance, the document continues, involves accepting ourselves, setting realistic expectations, forgiving ourselves and others, taking risks, trusting and expressing feelings. It also rests on appreciating our creativity, our minds, our bodies, and our spiritual beings.

Nathaniel Branden, author of "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" and "The Psychology of Romantic Love", says there are three challenges of life. Number one is to have the ability to take independent care of ourselves. Number two is developing competence in all relationships and number three is resistance. We will all know pain and defeat, but the important element here is that we do get back in the ring. This is the sure sign of self-esteem. Life may knock us down but our self-worth says that the experience happened to me but it is not who I am.

Our sexuality also changes once we have acquired even a small dose of self-esteem. No longer do we view sex as a means to an end, but rather as something we personally enjoy and willingly share with a partner. With low self-esteem we use sex hoping that the other person will like us for that or that he/she will think we are power-house lovers 24 hours a day and desire us for that reason or perhaps think we are the best thing they have ever experienced and will want and need us forever. In the long run this does not prove to be a solid footing for a healthy long-term relationship.

With high self-esteem we no longer need to go into any of these roles to gain the acceptance of others. A role can only be maintained six months to a year and after that the true picture of who that person really is begins to surface. If someone you were involved with seemed to change before your very eyes rest assured it was a role they were playing, consciously or subconsciously and not who they were underneath it all.

Self-esteem allows us to place a higher value on our bodies, including the ability to take care of our health by practicing safer sex and by knowing when and if we are ready to take the responsibility of becoming a parent. It permits us to place our own importance on our sexuality by knowing who we are in this area and then finding a partner who is sexually compatible. This we do for ourselves and for the benefit of the relationship, not because we are looking to get something from the other. Once we have a positive sense of self, sex adds to the intimacy of a relationship but does not take the place of closeness. Oftentimes this is what leads to impotency, the inability to climax, premature ejaculation and a lessening of the sex drive. A positive sense of self always helps in these areas once we take the time and devote the energy to making the changes that affect our self-esteem.