"I wish the holidays were over and done with. I really do. I don't have anything to celebrate. Blinking holiday lights just seem to me to be a waste of electricity. I dread all those holiday parties and the questions from my friends and family -- the `how are you doing now that you broke up with your spouse?' kind of questions. Well -- I'm doing fine. At least that's the answer I give everyone. But when I really listen to my innermost thoughts -- when I really allow myself to feel what I'm feeling -- I'm not doing so fine. To be honest, I feel lousy.

"Watching a couple walk down the street hand in hand makes me feel even more depressed and empty. Listening to the holiday cheer makes me more lonely than ever before. And I'm angry. I don't have anyone special to share the twinkling season with. I feel like I wasted all that precious time in a relationship that ended up nowhere. My entire holiday season has been ruined even before it started. I hate my ex and I hate myself. My life is a mess. I'm a mess. What's wrong with me? I want to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy. During the holidays everyone is supposed to be happy.

Right?"

Yes, that's right! During the holiday season everyone is supposed to be happy. But what is supposed to be, and what actually is, are often two very different things. It seems that during this time of year everyone is on a mission to spread holiday cheer. But what if you don't feel very festive? What if you can't find any holiday cheer within you to spread around? What if you just separated from your spouse, or if your divorce just became finalized? What if you were living with someone, and that relationship has just crumbled beneath your feet? Maybe you were dating someone and that new budding alliance died before it even had a chance to blossom, and now you're mourning your loss. To you, this holiday season feels like doom and gloom, especially when everyone -- and that includes you -- is supposed to be happy during this festive time of year.

Well it's okay. Yes, it's okay to mourn -- it's okay to feel sad. You just experienced a loss and you have the right to shed a few tears and sulk under the covers. But this terrible hurt doesn't have to last forever. Over the past five years I've interviewed hundreds of people just like you who have experienced the breakup of an intimate relationship, and I discovered that one out of every four of them not only recovered from their personal trauma quickly, their lives actually turned around, and they found themselves happy and flourishing shortly after their relationship ended. How did they do it?

At the moment, you're not feeling very good about yourself. No one is running over to you, slapping you on the back and congratulating you for breaking up with your significant other. But let's take a closer look at your situation. Let's see who you really are. It's an obvious scientific truth, that biologically you are a unique human being. There is no one in the world who has ever been exactly like you, and no one in the future will be exactly like you either. You are special. You have unique qualities and traits that no one else possesses. There are things that you can do better than anyone else in the whole world. You shine bright in certain areas where everybody else is dull. Now is the time to concentrate on just how wonderful and unique you really are, and on all the wonderful things that you are capable of doing. It's time to take inventory of yourself.

It's time to sit down, get a pencil and a piece of paper, and write down 50 special, unique qualities and traits that you have. Yes, as tough as that sounds, you have to write them down. As I said earlier, one out of every four people I interviewed not only recovered from their personal trauma quickly, they actually turned their lives around, and my research revealed that this was one of the most important steps they followed. The results were fantastic.

You say you can't think of 50 wonderful things about yourself? I know that's what you're thinking. 50 wonderful things -- wow -- that's a lot. Well then, this is the time to turn to your support group. Remember all those friends who were asking you how you're doing now that you're solo? Here's how you answer them: "If you're a close enough friend to ask me about such a personal situation in my life, I need your help. I need your input on an important self-help project I'm working on. I'm making a list of 50 of my best qualities and traits. Could you tell me what you think are some of things that are special about me, and what you think I do well?"

All of a sudden, the conversation will turn into a positive exchange and you will start feeling better about yourself. Your self-confidence will increase, along with your feeling of self-worth. Keep that list close to your bed. Keep adding to it and read it every day. Come on. You are special. Give yourself credit for all of the wonderful things that you can do -- for being the wonderful person that you are. Look at yourself through your own eyes, not through the eyes of your ex-significant other. His or her view is only that -- his or her view. Your view is your own reality.

Now that you're feeling better about yourself, it's time to dive into the real meaning of this holiday season. It's the Season of Giving. When you give friendship -- when you give time and care to someone less fortunate than you are -- you get back an abundance of peace and joy. Volunteer a few hours at a nursing home or hospital and help brighten someone else's life. Give hope to someone at a homeless shelter who lacks the self confidence to enter the workplace. Visit an animal shelter and share the love of a puppy or kitten. If you have children, take them with you and let them experience the true gift of giving -- the true joy of this holiday season.

Dr. Mitchell Flaum, clinical psychologist specializing in issues of divorce, states: "Images of warm loving families produced by the media during the holiday season create expectations that cannot always be fulfilled. Newly separated or divorced individuals may feel frustration and depression during this time of year. They need to realize that they are not alone, and in order to do so, they have to find a surrogate sense of family. This can be obtained by giving of oneself to someone else in need. Helping at a soup kitchen, for example, will produce a feeling of joy that will become a lifetime memory."